Week 15 – Alles gute!

Yahoo!

The FatMan took back control of his year last week. A perfect – let me repeat – PERFECT 3-0 on the Best Bets now has his bankroll swelling more than DeSean Jackson’s fat head. This week, he looks to get it as big as Rex Ryan’s gut. That is unless Rex has one of his assistants trip the FatMan on his way to a winning streak. Let the tripping begin!

Is that a Conga line?

San Francisco at San Diego(-8.5) – Two underachievers face off in this battle, and the loser goes home. All of the experts keep thinking that both teams are going to overcome their crappy divisions to make it to the playoffs, but they stop short of calling these teams crappy. Just look at the Cowboys – talented teams stay home every year and even when they do get there, it might take 15 years to win a playoff game. Mike Singletary can start riding cable cars next week. CHARGERS 28-10.

Kansas City at St. Louis(-1.5) – The previous game had two teams looking to overtake their division leaders. This game has two teams looking to stay on top. If Cassel plays, the Niners will keep pace with the Rams, if Brodie Coyle plays, the art of the forward pass will be smeared more than Lindsey Lohan’s mascara after a coke binge. This is for Cassel. CHIEFS 28-20.

The legacy of Disney!

Houston at Tennessee(-1.5) – The Texans are a team everyone loves to pick in September, and everyone else loves to play in December. Didn’t the Bad News Bears go to Houston one time? TITANS 24-20.

Hey! Where's Engleberg?

Jacksonville at Indianapolis(-5) – This is for all of the marbles in the AFC South. Before pondering why Indy is in the South, try to think back to the last time Manning came up small at home in one of these games. Ahh, it’s easier to wonder why Indy is in the South. COLTS 30-17.

Arizona at Carolina(-2.5) – Last week Steve Smith said that Jimmy Claussen wasn’t at Notre Dame anymore. How the hell can Claussen tell? The team is losing to the NFL’s version of Service Academies and Claussen can’t make a play when he needs to. All you need is Fox to get as fat as Charlie Weis, and Claussen will feel even more like a Golden Domer. CARDS 24-7.

A Fighting Irish hazing ritual?

Cleveland at Cincinnati(-1.5) – Carson Palmer loves giving the gift of TD’s. Unfortunately, he loves to give them to the other team. Luckily for the good citizens of Cincy, it is Palmer doing this. A less stable individual might ransack the streets and go on a robbing binge and abscond with teenage girls. Or I should just say the average Bengal. BROWNS 20-13.

Buffalo at Miami (-5.5) -This is a tough one to call. The Dolphins D looked great last week, until you realized they were playing the Jets offense. Meanwhile, Buffalo continues to play teams tough. They’re no Sal Alosi, but they could trip up the Fins. I think they come up just short. DOLPHINS 20-17 (Bills cover)

Philadelphia at Giants(-2.5) – This is for the division. Andy Reid has been working the league for weeks just to try and get some penalties called during this game for roughing Vick. Apparently, he’s been too distracted by a tasty cheeseburger to realize that when a QB runs, he is just like any other player. Maybe the lardass with terrible parenting skills can’t fathom this because he gets winded just heading to the fridge. I hate the Eagles! GIANTS 30-24.

Let me hide behind you, Coach!

Washington at Dallas(-6)  – Fitting that one week after both of these clowns failed to help the Giants that they get to play each other. The Redskins cut Hunter Smith this week, but kept Graham Gano as their kicker. Just another brilliant move in the reign of Dan Snyder. Yeah, cut the holder instead of the guy who missed two kicks my Grandmother could nail. COWBOYS 28-17.

Detroit at Tampa Bay(-6)  –It took getting Matt Flynn to play against them for the Lions to pick up a win. Wait a minute, is it really Matt Flynn, or a different Matt? You make the call. BUCS 27-17.

The Bourne Packer?

New Orleans at Baltimore(-2.5) – The Ravens don’t like playing teams with speed. The Saints have lots of it. The only blemish New Orleans has had in the past two months is on Drew Brees’ cheek. Otherwise, they are cruising more than retirees in Winter. It will continue to be a Carnival! SAINTS 35-21.

Atlanta at Seattle(+6) – The fact that the Seahawks could even still have a shot at the playoffs is disgusting. This team is going through a worse trance than a Scientologist and Xenu’s too far up in space to give a damn. I’d explain that joke, but I don’t want to have to get a visit from Travolta. FALCONS 30-20.

Watch out for the Kool-Aid

Jets at Pittsburgh(-6) -I don’t think Rex Ryan gets the idea of using cheap motivational tools as a way to kick start things. He uses them as part of his weekly routine. So far this year, the fat slug has called the Jets the best team in NY, has guaranteed a Super Bowl, has dressed like his brother, has buried a game ball, and had his assistants line up foot to foot to trip an opposing return man. He treats cheap tricks like they are an XXL pizza and devours them as fast as possible. And that’s exactly why the Jets will continue their collapse. STEELERS 27-13.

Denver at Oakland(-6.5) -The Broncos have packed it in. Which makes the Raiders loss last week that much more stinging. Jim Fassel – welcome to your next chance at redemption in the NFL. RAIDERS 30-6.

Green Bay at New England(-10) -The Pats make snow look like a playground, as they romp and roll everytime they are in it. It’s like their own personal fantasyland. Hey! I think that’s where Mr. Rodgers visited last week.  PATS 31-13.

A look into his sole?

Chicago at Minnesota(-1.5) -The Vikings are going to celebrate their 50th anniversary this week by bringing dignitaries out and having them freeze their asses off at midfield. I can see Alan Page ruling they are causing indecent exposure. If anyone saw Tavaris Jackson play, they’ve already seen enough. BEARS 20-14.

BEST BETS:

SAINTS

RAIDERS

PATS

Last Week:

Straight Up – 13-3

With Spread – 11-5

Best Bets – 3-0

Season:

Straight Up – 134-76 (.638)

With Spread – 102-98-8 (.510)

Best Bets – 23-17-2 (+$430) (.575)

Broke the 400 clam mark. If it gets any better, you might just have to call me a seafood purveyor. For some reason, I’ve always liked the word purveyor. Not sure why. I’m not even sure I’m spelling it right. Anyhoo…

WHEN YOU WANT THE SKINNY ON PICKING, TURN TO THE FATMAN

Week 14 – Holding on for Dear Life

Please don't fall

Like a man holding onto a greased pig, the FatMan is trying desperately to hold onto his bankroll and at least turn a profit this year. Besides the utter embarrassment of not making money on Best Bets, the FatMan might have to apply for early Social Security just to put dinner on the table. Who is he kidding? Social Security won’t even cover breakfast. He’d be better off working the fryer at McDowell’s. That’s where the real money is!

Let your soul glow!

Indianapolis at Tennessee(+3) – The wheels are falling off the Colts playoff bus. Luckily for them, they might be facing a team in even more disarray. Besides being a bunch of cheap-shotting punks, Jeff Fisher has had more problems than a rotting molar on a hillbilly fan. Take Manning and get the popcorn ready for all of the late hits, crackbacks, and other general thuggery. COLTS 27-13.

Oakland at Jacksonville(-4.5) – The Raiders are more up and down than a schizophrenic on a seesaw. One week, they look like world beaters and the next they look like the Raiders we all know and love. I think the silver and black are going to win which is exactly why the pick will be. JAGS 23-17.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh(-8.5) – How hard is it to just stay onsides and go to overtime? For the Bengals, it is harder than going to a club and not gatting somebody down. What a bunch of undisciplined losers. And yet, Marvin Lewis keeps his job. I’m assured that no sheep were harmed in the making of his blackmail movie. STEELERS 31-7.

That's baaaad

New England at Chicago(+3) – The Pats gave Rex Ryan a big, honking slice of Shut Your Piehole last week and avenged one of their losses. Better yet, they avenged the only Jets win over a team with a winning record, yet the second-fiddle bastards make more noise than a tornado siren. Win something – then yap. Otherwise, shut it! PATS 28-17.

Cleveland at Buffalo(-1) – Both of these teams are feisty. The Bills should win this one, but you never know if god is pissed at one of their players and will cause them to do something bad like drop a game winning TD. “I WORSHIP YOU 24/7. WHY YOU DO ME LIKE THAT?” Sounds like a catchy T-shirt. BILLS 27-20.

Hmm. Hang on a cross?

Giants at Minnesota(+2) – Two things are certain each year. Paris Hilton will either get arrested or show off her cooch, and the Giants will travel to Minnesota. Favre might try to wheel his old bones out there just to prove to everyone he’s a tough guy. I hope so. I’ll let one man have pride while the G-Men take back to NY a win. GIANTS 31-24.

Green Bay at Detroit (+6.5) -Ed Hochuli just likes to show off his guns. It’s getting sad. The steroid-infused ref seems to blow more calls than a duck hunter these days. Last week, he was so amped up to show a forearm shiver that he conveniently forgot that Suh pushed a ball carrier down with two arms in the open field. But at least we got to see the guns. I bet the Lions are thrilled. PACKERS 28-24 (Lions cover)

Let me flex while I blow this call

Atlanta at Carolina(+7.5) – Even when they are spotted a two TD lead, the Panthers can’t even keep a game within single digits. But I can count the number of their wins with a single digit. This one….. FALCONS 30-10.

Suck it Al Roker!

Tampa Bay at Washington (+2)  – As Don Meredith would say, “Turn out the lights, the party’s over”. That might be the case in Washington, but for the rest of us, the party’s just starting. This is where Little Danny Snyder steals the mic from the karaoke machine, Fat Albert downs 20 shots in the corner, and Mike Shanahan watches game film of Elway and Terrell Davis trying to figure out how to win. A good time for all! BUCS 20-10.

St. Louis at New Orleans(-9)  –The Rams are the surprise of the year. But about 20 different Bourbon St. shop owners are making Sam Bradford voodoo dolls. Surely that’s more productive than shoring up levees. SAINTS 28-24 (Rams cover)

Seattle at San Francisco(-4.5) – The QB carousal in SF just came back around to the brass ring and Alex Smith has a hold of it. For a week, at least. If he can hand off to Brian Westbrook, it will be the best thing he could possibly do. If Westbrook gets concussed, I’d recommend still handing it off to him. No brainer. NINERS 23-10.

Miami at Jets(-5.5) – The Jets lost by 40 points last week, but people are still talking about them. After Tom Izzo’s Michigan State Spartans were whupped by Cuse, he said they looked like the Jets out there. You know what they say. When life gives you Hard Knocks, just swear a lot and things will be just peachy. JETS 20-17 (Dolphins cover)

C'mon little boy

Denver at Arizona(+4.5) -Two teams sinking faster than a Mafia deposit in the East River. I really don’t know who to take in this one. Then again, I really don’t care. Pin the tail on the donkey and hope McDaniels doesn’t yell Ouch! BRONCOS 28-17.

Kansas City at San Diego(-6.5) -Can we stop hearing about how great the Chargers are in December? If Stridex poster-boy Norv Turner had his team ready in September, we wouldn’t have to make such a big deal about it late in the year. The Chefs have the recipe for a winning running game. They might not win, but they will keep it close. CHARGERS 24-21 (Chiefs cover)

Philadelphia at Dallas(+3.5) -Jason Garrett has either really rallied the troops, or Wade Phillips was just that god-awful. This team has turned into Lazarus, which is quite amazing because Jerry Jones is the one who looks like he returned from the grave. All nice and shiny, too. Upset Special! COWBOYS 28-27.

Baltimore at Houston(+3) -You have to think Matt Schaub shuddered when the Ravens lost on Sunday Night. Do you think he wants to face an angry Ray Lewis? I’d ask some guy in Atlanta that question, but he’s no longer with us. RAVENS 20-10.

BEST BETS:

COWBOYS

STEELERS

FALCONS

Last Week:

Straight Up – 12-4

With Spread – 8-8

Best Bets – 1-2

Season:

Straight Up – 121-73 (.624)

With Spread – 91-93-8 (.495)

Best Bets – 20-17-2 (+$130) (.541)

I’m hoping that the Bengals and Panthers continue to crap the bed like an incontinent ninety year old. If they do, The FatMan just might have whirred peas for Christmas in their honor. Mmmm. Now I’m hungry.

WHEN YOU WANT THE SKINNY ON PICKING, TURN TO THE FATMAN

Week 13 – Time for the Stretch Run!

Time to Stretch!

Another week, another profit. Just in time for Xmas. Or I guess Hanukkah. Nah. By the time the bankroll is built up, the old Menorah will be long dark. Over the next few weeks, you’ll see teams who start to pack it in and get in line to legitimately pay Cam Newton some dollars. You’ll see coaches have seats get red hot. Especially asshole Belichick disciples who don’t have nearly the success Little Bill has. That’s right, I’m looking at you Josh McDaniels. Not that you’ll shake my hand or anything…

Is that the Carolina job?

Enough about guys who don’t win but act like they do, let’s go to the real winners!

Houston at Philadelphia(-9) – Andre Johnson did his best Rocky impersonation before heading to the City of Brotherly Love. I guess people even had a good grasp of sarcasm back in the day, huh? Johnson might have had his way with the red-headed stepchild Cortland Finnegan, but this week, the Texans might be the ones with locks of flame getting lambasted. The scoreboard lights will be working overtime. EAGLES 38-31 (Texans cover)

Wanda Sykes?

Buffalo at Minnesota(-6.5) – Oh those cuddly Buffalo Bills. You know, if they won each game they had a chance to, they’d actually be over .500. Instead, they drop sure TD’s in OT, blame God for it and then lose another heartbreaker. Good thing Buffalo is the antithesis of Hell. At least weather-wise.   VIKINGS 24-20 (Bills cover)

Cleveland at Miami(-4.5) – How bad has Jake Delhomme gotten? Even with Peyton Hillis crashing end zones time and again, good old Jake almost found a way to lose to the absolutely putrid Panthers. If it weren’t for John Kasay choking on a 42-yarder, they would have. Maybe Stevie Johnson caused him to miss? Upset Special! BROWNS 24-20.

Jacksonville at Tennessee(-3) – Cortland Finnegan was voted by his peers to be the 5th most dirty player in the NFL last year. His goal was to get to #1. Mission accomplished! If there is any justice, he’ll end up like his idol Andre Waters. I wonder if the top 5 dirty players are all Titans? Wouldn’t shock me. TITANS 20-13.

Denver at Kansas City(-9) – The Chefs are cooking up one of the biggest surprises in some time. What a turnaround from last year. Todd Haley gets a chance to run the score up on the Little Bill protege who resembles Bill Arnsparger more than Belichick. Only diehards will know Arnsparger, but suffice it to say he sucked. CHIEFS 38-14.

Washington at Giants(-7) – I really don’t think the Giants are going to take many teams to the woodshed until they heal a bit from their injuries, but if there is a team they could – it would be the Redskins. I guess when you take away John Elway and Terrell Davis that rat-faced Shanahan is just a pedestrian coach. GIANTS 28-13.

Arrgh! Is that Rex Grossman?

Chicago at Detroit (+3.5) -The demise of the Bears is right up there with Mark Twain’s – it has been greatly exaggerated. Then again, Twain’s been dead for a century now, so exaggeration is all in the eye of the beholder. BEARS 27-20.

San Francisco at Green Bay(-10) – The Niners are like a schizophrenic yo-yo. And being in the NFC West, they can afford to be that way. Brian Westbrook dialed back the years and had a memorable game against the Cardinals. Well, at least we will remember it. PACKERS 27-20(Niners cover)

New Orleans at Cincinnati (+7)  – I really want to know what kind of blackmail fodder Marvin Lewis has hanging around. It really must be something with farm animals and fishnet stockings. This guy hangs around longer than a Ray Lewis posse member. SAINTS 31-13.

You'd be smiling too!

Atlanta at Tampa Bay(+3)  – Avid FatMan reader and big Buc fan, Meester Smith, has been eerily quiet this year. I can’t tell if it is because he knows the Bucs suck and is waiting for them to get thrashed back down to Earth, or if he knows they are great and is waiting to pounce like a cougar on Ron Jeremy. I want to know something completely different. How does one become a Bucs fan? FALCONS 20-13.

Oakland at San Diego(-13) – Just like always, the chargers have awoken as December rolls around. My head says that the Raiders get rolled like an unlucky fan standing outside the Oakland Coliseum after a loss. My intuition says that Philip Rivers is going to be the one getting a shiv in the kidneys. He’s overdue. CHARGERS 28-27 (Raiders cover)

Do they have this in an XXXL?

Carolina at Seattle(-6) – John Fox is like a seedy motel hermit. He checked out weeks ago and nobody’s seen him since. Does anyone blame him? This might be the worst NFL team of all time, and that includes the winless Lions and Bucs from years past. SEAHAWKS 35-7.

Dallas at Indianapolis(-5.5) -Jason Garrett had a chance to turn some heads. To lock up the Cowboys job for next year. Then Roy Williams wanted more than just a first down and they both ended up turkeys. If it just weren’t so damn funny I might be upset. Nahh! Too funny! COLTS 31-17.

St. Louis at Arizona(+2.5) -Derek Anderson’s an odd guy. He yuks it up on the sidelines during a horrible loss THEN finally gets mean during the press conference. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? I think the Cardinals just like a good presser, myself. RAMS 30-20.

You Want to Crown Their Asses?

Pittsburgh at Baltimore(-3) -This one is so nasty, it should be on HBO. Two teams that hate each other. Two teams battling for a divisional title. Now, this is football! December football! RAVENS 24-17.

How Many Grand is This Hit Worth?

Jets at New England(-3.5) -I don’t like to bet against New England, while I really like betting against the Jets. New Jersey held serve at home. Foxboro will crank out an ace in this one. Deuce! PATS 30-20.

BEST BETS:

NINERS

SEAHAWKS

COLTS

Last Week:

Straight Up – 10-6

With Spread – 5-11

Best Bets – 2-1

Season:

Straight Up – 109-69 (.612)

With Spread – 83-85-8 (.494)

Best Bets – 19-15-2 (+$250) (.559)

Time to keep the bankroll full and head to the homestretch looking for the teams waving the white flag like weary Frenchmen. It would be even easier if they smelled like cheese and BO, but I guess that only happens in Paris. Speaking of cheese, I’m getting hungry. Remember…

WHEN YOU WANT THE SKINNY ON PICKING, TURN TO THE FATMAN

FatMan Week 12 – FatMan’s Back and Has Cash!

Making it Rain!

A few more weeks going 3-0 on the bets, and I’ll be a regular Pac Man Jones. Well, without the ten arrests, the bling on my teeth and the propensity to have strangers gatted down for the hell of it. Let’s just say I’ll have enough cash to make it rain and then punch any stripper who gets close enough to the George’s for my liking. Pac Man fever – catch it. I wonder if he has a few good games if he’ll join Michael Vick on the Redemption Circuit.  Maybe Benny Hinn can do a Revival. We are healed because we can play football! Allelujia!Let’s go to the sheet!

Who gave Jon Lovitz a new role?

New England at Detroit(+6.5) – They always put the Lions on right before settling into Thanksgiving dinner. This has to be a conspiracy by Butterball so you vomit all of the undigested food and then come back for more. Operation Technicolor Yawn. PATS 35-20.

New Orleans at Dallas(+3.5) – Jason Garrett is 2-0 and Jerry Jones is smiling once again. Thankfully he won’t have to this week. It’s no fun repairing a cracked face. SAINTS 38-17.

Plastic Man cracks.

Cincinnati at Jets(-9) – If you haven’t tossed your giblets and gizzards yet, the NFL Network has a big glass of Ipecac for you to chug. While Jets fans are busy worshipping Sanchez, the rest of us will be bowing at the porcelain altar. Well except the guy below. He’ll be full and happy. JETS 14-9 (Bengals cover)

Where's that drumstick, dammit!

Minnesota at Washington(-2.5) – OK – Childress is gone. Favre is still there. I call it a push. See all the things that happen when Brett decides to stick around. The guy leaves a trail of flailing Wrangler commercial extras wherever he goes. REDSKINS 24-17.

Pittsburgh at Buffalo(+6.5) – Ryan Fitzpatrick has the Bills on a two game winning streak. He also has the worst beard in the NFL since Jeff Garcia’s girlfriend. Ben probably had his way with Garcia’s lady. He’ll probably do the same to the Bills. Look out Buffalo – Big Ben is in town and there are bars o’plenty around! STEELERS 34-20.

Tennessee at Houston(-2.5) – Vince Young flung his jersey pretty far into the crowd for a guy with a hurt thumb. Now some dude named Rusty takes over. Didn’t the Raiders try a Rusty at QB once? It doesn’t work. TEXANS 35-20.

Jacksonville at Giants (-7.5) -The Giants not only have nearly every WR on the team hurt, they are coming up with injuries nobody’s heard of. Hakeem Nicks is sidelined with Compartment Syndrome.  What’s next, a guy going out with a bruised flextoid and one with a broken sternoplex? Can anyone catch out there? Open casting call 7AM-10PM at the Meadowlands all week. GIANTS 24-21 (Jags cover)

Carolina at Cleveland(-11) – Colt McCoy is in a walking boot. The Panthers are so short at QB that a guy with 5 career passes was changing diapers one week and then crapping his own pants the next while giving gifts to Ray Lewis and the Ravens. He’ll be just as generous to the Browns. Here is a newsflash – the Panthers suck! Really badly. BROWNS 28-13.

Tampa Bay at Baltimore (-7.5)  – Tampa Bay hangs around like a stray dog looking for some food. But this guy actually has some bite. I wonder if the cute little mutt can jump up and grab a nard while Ray Lewis is dancing like a jackass in the pregame? RAVENS 20-17(Bucs cover)

Sic ubu Sic! Good dog.

Philadelphia at Chicago(+3.5)  – Everyone is anointing the Eagles as Champs, while trying to make Vick look like a reformed budding philanthropist. Maybe he’ll make some donations to the Bears defense. I just wonder. If Vick sucked and was out of the league right now, would we think he’s a good guy? Would we care? Upset Special! BEARS 24-20.

Green Bay at Atlanta(-2) – Two teams on fire are on a collision course in this one. I like the Pack, but Matt Ryan never loses at home. I really mean never. I always knew Atlanta was intimidating for people facing Ray Lewis’ posse, but facing Matt Ryan? Wow. FALCONS 28-20.

Miami at Oakland(-3) – I almost want to throw a dart to pick this one. Then again, fans of both teams just wished either had a QB who could throw darts. Now, they are just tossing jarts. RAIDERS 23-13.

You'll poke your eye out!

Kansas City at Seattle(+1) -These are the games that separate the wheat from the chaff, not that I’m agriculturally inclined enough to know better. I’ll let the farmers figure it out. And while they are at it, they can watch this game for me. I have better things to do – like studying jart trajectory. SEAHAWKS 28-24.

St. Louis at Denver(-3.5) -On paper, the Broncos look like they should be able to score points. On the field, they look handicapped. They are in luck. Facing the Rams is sort of like a remedial learning class. BRONCOS 28-10.

San Diego at Indianapolis(-3) -Both Manning brothers ended the game with terrible turnovers on Sunday. Meanwhile Phillip Rivers is flinging the ball better than anyone in NFL history. And that’s led to an amazing 5-5 record. Actually, at this point in the year, that’s pretty good for Norv’s team. He’s like a turtle. Not because he’s starts slow, but because he’d rather hide his pock-marked face in his shell. COLTS 38-28.

Stridex was before his time

San Francisco at Arizona(+1) -I guess ESPN is trying to give people who are burned out from a long week of football a night off. Hello How I Met Your Mother. It is wait for it……leg-en-DARY! CARDINALS 28-20.

BEST BETS:

BROWNS

TEXANS

PATS

Last Week:

Straight Up – 12-4

With Spread – 9-6-1

Best Bets – 3-0

Season:

Straight Up – 99-63 (.611)

With Spread – 78-74-8 (.513)

Best Bets – 17-14-2 (+$160) (.548)

Nothing like an infusion from a British butler to get things jump-started. Way to go Lansdowne! I’m sure you will be welcomed back anytime. People love a surly, Brit. If not, Simon Cowell would just be a loser wearing tight shirts. Just remember..

WHEN YOU WANT THE SKINNY ON PICKING, TURN TO THE FATMAN

FatMan Week 11 – Lansdowne in the house!

Looks like I better get used to not talking

In the most smashing news in the UK since finding out it rained in London yesterday, another Royal wedding is underfoot. The way the FatMan is picking things, he’ll probably predict Prince Harry getting married first. You know, we have Sportsbooks in my country and the blokes have a term for the sucker picks each week – the FatMan Special! I’d say I’m honored to be filling in this week, but I’d rather rinse out Sir McCartney’s piss bucket than tackle American Football games. It’s a lose-lose. If I can breathe and type, I’ll do better than FatMan. And by doing this, I’m missing the real football action. Like seeing Chelsea, Man U. and Arsenal. Ahh bollocks! Let’s go to the sheet!

Chicago at Miami(-2) – I think an important part of American football is throwing the ball. Only the small wankers on the field seem to kick it. Does Miami have anyone who can throw the ball that isn’t bandaged up right now? Maybe the American Sportsbooks should take a visit to the UK to figure out how to set the point spreads. BEARS 24-13.

Oakland at Pittsburgh(-7.5) – I hear that Pittsburgh has their own Big Ben. I wonder if he strikes twelve times at Midnight as well. I should ask some of the college lasses. STEELERS 30-17.

Houston at Jets(-6.5) – Knocking the ball into an oncoming WR’s arms was a worse mistake than driving the tunnels of France at a high rate of speed with royalty in the car.  Meanwhile, I wonder who Rex Ryan is going to dress up like this week. I don’t think he’ll be able to imitate Kubiak unless he gets another gastric bypass and discards about 40 chins. JETS 17-14 (Texans cover)

He's not heavy, he's my brother

Baltimore at Carolina(+10) – The Panthers are stumbling more than Dudley Moore in Arthur.  I haven’t seen an impersonation this bad since that hack Mr. Belverdere set butlering back 50 years. The Panthers might be setting football back that far as well. RAVENS 34-7.

What's he eating, disgrace soup?

Washington at Tennessee(-6) – That game Monday Night must have been painful to watch. I threw on a rerun of the Yule Log and dreamt about Father Christmas. I know I slept better than that guy who stars in the Chunky Soup commercials. TITANS 24-14.

Detroit at Dallas(-6.5) – History is going to be so unkind to Wade Phillips that he’ll probably eventually get named as JR’s shooter. My cousin Wentworth works in Jerry Jones’ guest house and is getting the boot for a new butler. Hmm… COWBOYS 23-20 (Lions cover)

Is that polish or Polish?

Green Bay at Minnesota (+4) – Brett Favre used to throw 4 picks a game as a Packer in Minny. Some things never change. Other things tarnish like silverware. PACKERS 31-24.

Buffalo at Cincinnati(-6) – There will be no winless teams in the NFL this year now that buffalo kicked the monkey off of their back. There will still be losers, however. Like the poor bloody buggers watching this game. My advice would be to get bladdered. Really bladdered. BENGALS 24-23 (Bills cover)

Cleveland at Jacksonville (-1.5)  – Last week, Garrard decided to just bung the ball up and hope for the best. He ended up bonking the Texans right in the arse. Now he’ll be looking to cheese off the Browns. It might just be me, but Eric Mangini looks dodgy.  Like he’s ready to filch something at any time. He’ll come up just short here. JAGUARS 27-20.

Arizona at Kansas City(-8)  – Just a couple of years ago, I watched the Cardinals in the Super Bowl. Now they look like a real dog’s dinner. Speaking of dogs, I wonder what Brenda Warner is up to these days? CHIEFS 30-10.

Cloris Leachman looks fantastic!

Seattle at New Orleans(-11.5) – I don’t think I want to have a flutter on this one. The Saints have been like a yo-yo and the Seahawks have been like a teeter totter. Put them together, and you have one holy mess of unpredictabilty. SAINTS 30-20 (Seahawks cover)

Brees' twin?

Atlanta at St. Louis(+3) – I’m gobsmacked at the way the Falcons play at home. But when they go on the road, they no longer look like they are full of beans. That makes calling this game tough. The Rams might just knock off one here! Upset Special! RAMS 24-17.

Tampa Bay at San Francisco(-3) -Even across the pond, I keep hearing about how the 49ers should win their division this year. Have any of the people saying that even watched this team? I’ve been looking left, right and centre to figure it out and I still can’t figure out why they are the mutt’s nuts. They aren’t. BUCS 27-23.

Indianapolis at New England(-3) -Does Tom Brady think he’s a Beatle with that hairdo? That mane is so naff and it makes him look like a Nancy Boy. Maybe he and Gisele have the old Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes agreement going on? PATS 35-30.

Giants at Philadelphia(-3) -DeSean Jackson really offered up some pavement pizza this week. He’s not the brightest bulb that’s for sure. When talking about the great start Philly had, he said they were like a bunch of pit bulls trying to get out of their cages. Self-awareness is apparently not one of his strong points. GIANTS 38-30.

The horse's mouth?

Denver at San Diego(-10) -Since this is a Nationally televised game, I guess Rivers is going to be a prat again. I don’t like to put any quid on the Broncos because you don’t know which team will show up. Sometimes they look knackered and other times, they look luvvly-jubbly. I just wonder if there will be a post-game handshake. CHARGERS 28-20 (Broncos cover)

You listen here Mister!

BEST BETS:

RAVENS

TEXANS

BILLS

Last Week:

Straight Up – 6-8

With Spread – 5-9

Best Bets – 1-2

Season:

Straight Up – 87-59 (.596)

With Spread – 69-68-7 (.504)

Best Bets – 14-14-2 (-$140) (.500)

I hope you mates aren’t listening to these picks! I’d tell this fat guy to slag off and start making some good picks for one. I’ll start him on a win streak. Cheers and Ta-Ta!

WHEN YOU WANT THE SKINNY ON PICKING, TURN TO THE FATMAN

FatMan Week 10 – Waiting for Lansdowne

The Best of Times!

How Bout Dem Cowboys!! It is fitting that in a week where one of Barry Switzer’s biggest fuck-ups was chronicled in the ESPN short film about Marcus Dupree, that the Cowboys part way with their jolly, yet clueless leader Wade Phillips. Now if Plastic Man would just cede control of the team, things might turn around. Unfortunately for Cowboy fans, that day will take longer than the botox dissolving under Jerrah’s skin.

The FaMan excelled in the picks last week except where it counted – the Best Bets, so he’s turning to across the pond next week to bring back the crusty, surly, yet unflappable British butler, Lansdowne, to make the picks. While we eagerly await the arrival of Sir Cynical – let’s go to this week’s picks!

Do you want me to wash your dick, you little shit?

Baltimore at Atlanta(-1) – I might have to throw my old fraternity brother Dave Scott a bone on this one. I’ve been pretty hard on his favorite team the Ravens this year, and last year during Oktoberfest, I left Dave behind to fend for himself in a beer hall filled with young German blondes. It wasn’t like I abandoned him in a shady night club with Ray Lewis and his posse. Geez! Nevertheless, the Ravens have earned some respect, even if I think they will lose. This one’s for Dave and not abandoning a buddy in a foxhole. RAVENS 27-20.

Cincinnati at Indianapolis(-7) – Marvin Lewis must have a bunch of incriminating photos of Bengals management somewhere. Sure, the guy made the playoffs last year, but they’ve been an underachieving band of felons, miscreants, and deviants for the better part of a decade now. Yet, behind Jeff Fisher, Lewis is a fixture. Why? Does Mike Brown like to dress up in saran wrap and ball gags? COLTS 38-20.

Zed's dead

Houston at Jacksonville(-1.5) – All these teams that played and lost to the Giants were considered good at the time, and now are getting plastered by the press. Houston was destined to wrest the division from the colts, get blasted by Big Blue and now suck so much they are underdogs to the Jags? Jay Cutler was about to bring the Bears back to glory, and now can’t get off his back? Maybe the Giants are just really good. Upset Special! (If you can call it that) TEXANS 30-13.

Tennessee at Miami(+1) – The Titans are like the Ravens – I just don’t give them any respect. I don’t know why. Maybe I feel dentally superior to the toothless masses who flap their gums and swig moonshine while ogling their sisters. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I feel superior to that. DOLPHINS 23-17.

Sthack sthem basthards!

Minnesota at Chicago(+1) – Old Man Favre had a career day passing and led a 14 point comeback in the final 4 minutes. As a fan of the game, I’d like to be impressed, but I have this urge to want to throw up when I see him dancing around. Just imagine if I were a Packer fan. VIKINGS 35-20.

Detroit at Buffalo(-3) – How bad is it for the Lions? One week they are hailed as turning the corner and the next they are underdogs to the Bills. And people still have a hard time believing that Jesus was hung on a cross one week after being feted with palms? Being feted with palms sounds a little blasphemous if you ask me. Hello W column! BILLS 28-20.

Jets at Cleveland (+3) – The Browns did something not many teams do – they dismantled the Patriots, had Tom Brady swearing at his WR’s and actually got Belicheck to shake hands after the game! Stop the presses. I didn’t think Brady swore, just that cuss words leave his mouth in fear of being uttered. BROWNS 20-10.

Carolina at Tampa Bay(-6.5) – If the Panthers win another game this year, I’ll be shocked. This is a terrible, injured group of players, and John Fox might not even have the heart to start Jimmy Claussen. Maybe Charlie Weis should have been as perceptive. BUCS 30-3.

Get into my belly!

Kansas City at Denver (+1)  – I can’t figure this one out. The Chefs have overdelivered like a zealous Dominos driver, while the Broncos have underperformed like Adrian Beltre in a non-contract year. I think the Broncos will pull this one out, but after getting waxed by the Raiders at home, I can’t bring myself to make the pick. CHIEFS 27-17.

St. Louis at San Francisco(-6)  – The last time the Rams went on the road, they were riddled in Detroit with bulletholes like an abandoned vehicle off the Michigan Freeway. Heck, even occupied vehicles are at risk in that hell hole. Freaking savages. NINERS 24-20 (Rams cover)

Seattle at Arizona(-3) – This is like taking a bet on the ship that is sinking the slowest. I’ve seen better play at a preschool Christmas pageant. Hey, maybe if Charlie Whitehurst’s gig doesn’t work out, he can be cast as Jesus? CARDINALS 31-14.

Hey Peter - I can see your house from here!

Dallas at Giants(-14) – I despise spreads like these. The Giants want a W. No more, no less. They should win by 20, but you just never know. You just play the percentages, and the percentages say that Dallas sucks 85% of the time this year. GIANTS 35-10.

New England at Pittsburgh(-4.5) -The Steelers survived Ben’s suspension. They’ve avoided being upset by weak teams. They’ve laid dirty hits and gotten the benefit of a lot of strange calls. It’s just a normal year for them. what I want to know is how come nobody talks about the double duty that Omar Epps pulls as an actor and coach? STEELERS 24-21 (Pats cover)

Working double time!

Philadelphia at Washington(+3) -I’ve never seen a more successful player take more crap than Donovan McNabb. Brett Favre has spent the last 5 years being a jackass and people bow at his feet. McNabb silently goes about his work and gets benched for Rex Grossman? Rex Freaking Grossman! Must be hatred for Chunky Soup. EAGLES 33-20.

BEST BETS:

BUCS

TEXANS

CARDINALS

Last Week:

Straight Up – 9-4

With Spread – 9-3-1

Best Bets – 1-2

Season:

Straight Up – 81-51 (.614)

With Spread – 64-59-7 (.520)

Best Bets – 13-12-2 (-$20) (.520)

Like a cheap suit, I’m showing flaws after just a few washes. Wait a minute – who washes suits! My policy is to win thousands so I don’t have to wear them. That policy is taking a while to cash in. I’m going to think about it for a week and let Lansdowne do some of the cleaning up. Ta-Ta! Remember:

WHEN YOU WANT THE SKINNY ON PICKING, TURN TO THE FATMAN

FatMan Week 9 – Building a Bankroll

Look - I can hold the ball!

I’d like to say I’m getting tired of watching the Cowboys lose, but can one really tire of it? Where else do you get to see the great looks like this:

Hear no... umm see no evil

Maybe when they go 1-11 I’ll get tired of it. Nahhhhhh. Let’s go to the picks!

Chicago at Buffalo (+3) – The Bills have been knock, knock, knocking on victory’s door the past two weeks, but have been shut out like a homeless man looking for a warm bed. It doesn’t make it any easier that the refs have been acting like the bully vagrants and stealing them blind as well. I’ve never understood robbing a bum. Isn’t it like kicking a dead horse? Upset Special – Ralph Wilson has a heart attack! BILLS 17-14.

San Diego at Houston(+1) – The media darling Texans are slip sliding away. And the timing couldn’t be worse. They meet up with the team who tears through November and December like a hungry lion tears into a fat zebra. Or impala. Makes you wonder, if a lion eats a rancid water buffalo, does he yak? CHARGERS 28-20.

Yakkity, yak, don't talk back!

New Orleans at Carolina(+7) – The Panthers are really bad right now. In fact, calling them terrible is an insult to the meaning of the word. Yet, I can’t stop shaking the feeling that they will keep this one close and maybe even win. Call it ESP or insanity. I’m leaning towards being 100% certifiably loony. Get the padded room ready. SAINTS 24-21 (Panthers cover)

Arizona at Minnesota(-9) – With each week, Brett Favre tarnishes his legacy so much that taking a bath in a tub of Tarn-X won’t even help. Maybe that’s why Brett’s taking pictures of his jewels and sending them all over the fiber optic lines. He just wants them cleaned? VIKINGS 20-17 (Cards cover)

Packer fans rejoice!

Tampa Bay at Atlanta(-8.5) – I keep waiting for the Bucs to take a cannonball up the backside, but instead they’ve swashbuckled their way to a heck of a start. Maybe it’s just me, but swashbuckling sounds kind of gay. At least gnarly, no? FALCONS 27-20 (Bucs cover)

Just waiting for ComiCon 2011

Jets at Detroit(+4) – The Jets and Giants scored the same amount of points last week. Sounds great until you realize the Giants were on a bye. And believe me, Jets fans knew the Giants were on a bye. When the Giants take a dump, the Jets are measuring it and recording the stench to try and outdo it. Meanwhile, the Giants are just happy to have an empty colon. The Lions will show the NFL what a real dirty Sanchez looks like. LIONS 24-17.

Miami at Baltimore (-5.5) – The Ravens just keep chugging along, but Miami has gotten it done on the road. This is a tough pick, but I’ve picked against the Ravens and have gotten burned like Richard Pryor, so it’s time to reverse the trend. I’ll probably just take a knife to the back instead. RAVENS 27-17.

New England at Cleveland(+5.5) – Somebody forgot to tell the Pats they were washed up and finished. Don’t tell them next year, either. They have more draft picks than the North Korean Army. Actually, they don’t have a draft – you either serve or die. I’ll tell you what, though, they can march like a hyper Michael Flatley. PATS 31-20.

We call this the Goosestep

Giants at Seattle (+5.5)  – It’s a tale of two teams. Not the Giants and the Seahawks, but the Seahawks at home vs. when they are away. They get in front of a bunch of caffeinated people on suicide watch, and they try like hell to win so people don’t go home and string themselves up to their foyers. That’s a heavy burden for a visiting team to overcome. I’d Love to see some people pull a Cobain this week. GIANTS 28-20.

Cobain's Alive As Emo Phillips!

Kansas City at Oakland(-2.5)  – The Raiders are almost relevant again. Back to back blowouts have them almost feared by the AFC. Take it easy – I said ALMOST. Darius Heyward-Bey was sighted last week, which means there’s still hope for people looking for Sasquatch. I’m closing my eyes and throwing a dart here. RAIDERS 27-20.

Indianapolis at Philadelphia(Pick) – Andy Reid has to pick a QB this week. Hopefully he’ll do a better job than Mke Shanahan did last week. I bet people who put money on Washington are really happy with the rat-faced, Coach K twin for taking McNabb out down two points with 3 minutes to play (while they were still covering). Shanny owes me a C-note. COLTS 35-24.

Dallas at Green Bay(-8) – I hate going against the Cowboys on such a large spread, but Jon Kitna is still their QB. The same Kitna who crapped his pants at home vs. the Jags. I’ll lay the points and watch the Pack lay out the guy who should have retired after Seattle. Favre, Jr.? PACKERS 31-10.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati(+4.5) -This game shouldn’t be close. But it is the Bengals and the Steelers. Two teams who hate each other. I wouldn’t have put it past the Steelers to send a piece of roadkill to the Bengals HQ when Chris Henry died. Maybe they did and somebody stole it? STEELERS 20-17 (Bengals cover)

BEST BETS:

PATS

COLTS

CHARGERS

Last Week:

Straight Up – 9-4

With Spread – 10-3

Best Bets – 2-1

Season:

Straight Up – 72-47 (.605)

With Spread – 55-56-6 (.495)

Best Bets – 12-10-2 ($100) (.545)

Up to a cool C-note (not counting the one Shanahan owes me). I almost can buy ticket to a Panthers game now. Who am I kidding. I can show up at 12PM and they’ll pay me to take up a seat. Charlotte’s great. Remember:

WHEN YOU WANT THE SKINNY ON PICKING, TURN TO THE FATMAN

FatMan Week 8 – Rubbing Nickles Together

That's a Wrap!

Week 8 is here – FatMan has a profit of 10 large, as in 10 large $1 bills! If he rubs nickels together fast enough, he might start a fire that will pay more in insurance collection than getting paid by Guido. But at least he’s in the black. Tony Romo and the Cowboys can’t say that. Goodnight Irene, put a fork in them, Sayonara! The Boys were so desperate last night that Igor Olshansky started celebrated tackles while the giants were up 18. Way to go Big Guy! He also made a kicking motion after one play – – a SECOND down play! Between not knowing the down and Wade not knowing the score, can Jerrah spring for a math tutor for those idiots?

Pick me a winner!

Enough of other people making picks! Let’s go to the sheet!

San Francisco/Denver in London (Pick’Em) – The NFL rolls out their version of football to good old England this week. A bunch of Manchester United supporters went to Wayne Rooney’s house last week and threatened to kill him if he left the team. Maybe some 49er fans should threaten to kill Singletary or Alex Smith if they stay? I bet the fur would really fly…. NINERS 24-20.

Jacksonville at Dallas(-11) – The Jags look inept. Dallas looks putrid. Put the two together, and you better have some Maalox on hand. It could be Jon Kitna vs. Todd Baumann in this one, and season tickets are already paid for. $50K for a box seat isn’t looking like that great an investment anymore, huh? COWBOYS 24-17 (Jags cover)

Washington at Detroit(-2.5) – The Skins aren’t world-beaters, but underdogs going to Detroit? Do the Gambino’s think this is a pee wee team traveling to skate with the Red Wings or something? Geez – I never mind taking a swipe a Little Napolean’s charges, but give them some respect. REDSKINS 20-17.

I have to Reach up to touch a Midget!

Green Bay at Jets(-6) – The Jets were off this past week, which hopefully means Rex Ryan gave his mouth some R&R too. Like Roast Beef and Ribs. Wait a minute, Jeff Bridges is his brother!! Dude! JETS 20-17 (Packers cover)

The VERY Big Lebowski

Carolina at St. Louis(-3) – Living in Charlotte can sometimes be funny. They have a terrible team, yet get a win against an equally shitty team and the fans and media start talking about the playoffs. That should stop after they take the pipe vs. a 1 win team from last year. If the morons here have any sense at least. RAMS 27-14.

Miami at Cincinnati(-2.5) – The Dolphins can’t win at home, and the Bengals are struggling to win anywhere. This has the makings of a game where each team will do their best to wrest defeat from the jaws of victory. Now I’m thinking about Jim McKay. DOLPHINS 24-21.

And The Agony of Defeat

Buffalo at Kansas City (-7.5) – Geez, do the Chiefs get to play anyone tough this year? Last week, they beat up on the punchless Jags and this week they get the winless Bills. What’s up next, the Carolina School of the Deaf? Actually, they might give the Bills an earful. CHIEFS 30-10.

Tennessee at San Diego(-3.5) – The Chargers always do their best tortoise impersonation out of the gate, and then start to sprint like Carl Lewis. Maybe the Kid N Play hairdo finally developed some air drag? Hey, and keep him away from the National Anthem. Please. CHARGERS 31-20.

Look at my fade!

Tampa Bay at Arizona (-3)  – Somebody must think the Cardinals are better than they are. Granted, they are playing the Bucs, but do I need to remind people that either Derek Anderson or Max Hall will be slinging the rock? Then again, sometimes I think I’m ahead of the curve. I thought it was just my piss that smelled after eating asparagus. Upset Special! BUCS 24-19.

Seattle at Oakland(-1.5)  – Before I even looked up last week, the Raiders were up 28-0. When I finally did look, I saw Knowshon Moreno dancing in the end zone – down 28 points. Is he bucking for a trade to the Cowboys or something? Hey Moreno, they don’t use their RB’s. Stay in Denver. OAKLAND 30-20.

Minnesota at New England(-6) – Can Favre play on a broken ankle? I bet in one last act of vanity, he might actually try. What a junky way to end a career. Speaking of junk, you wanna see mine? PATS 35-20.

FatMan's junk

Pittsburgh at New Orleans(Pick ‘Em) – Little known fact – the Brown are the only team the past three years to play and beat the defending SB champs from the year before. So, it wasn’t the Saints crappy play that caused a loss, it was destiny. I don’t know what they will call the humiliation this week. STEELERS 27-20.

Houston at Indy(-5.5) -There’s no Dallas Clark. No Joseph Addai. The upstart Texans are there. But, so is Manning. One Manning trumps a whole lot of other things. Especially underachieving rivals. COLTS 35-20.

I'm coming After YOU!

BEST BETS:

PATS

REDSKINS

DOLPHINS

Last Week:

Straight Up – 9-5

With Spread – 7-7

Best Bets – 1-2

Season:

Straight Up – 63-43 (.594)

With Spread – 45-53-6 (.459)

Best Bets – 10-9-2 ($10) (.526)

What can $10 buy me? How about so gooey mucous? Actually, I just want to throw this pic in again. Or maybe I mean pick?

Spaulding?

WHEN YOU WANT THE SKINNY ON PICKING, TURN TO THE FATMAN

FatMan in the Black – Week 7

Back in Black

Week 7 approaches and The FatMan finally shows a profit! The first rule about showing a profit is not to discuss said profit, but who the hell am I kidding – I have a blog calling out the wins and losses each week. I HAVE to discuss it. I just will try not to spend it in one place, like at the nickle candy aisle. It’s time to build the bankroll and build a mountain of money instead of rubbing two dimes together to see how shiny I can get Roosevelt’s forehead to look. By the way – it doesn’t look like Roosevelt to me, but then again I wasn’t alive when he was wheeling around the White House. Enough of my lack of historical perspective – let’s go to the picks!

Pittsburgh at Miami (+3) – The Steelers were unapologetic headhunters last week. It’s like the defense took a class at the Big Ben School of Couth. Nothing like knocking a guy out on a dirty hit and then being proud of it afterwards. James Harrison – I’d start wearing protective knee braces if I were you. STEELERS 24-16.

Cincinnati at Atlanta (-3.5) – This is going to be a good game, I think. Atlanta is a different team at home, but the Bengals will be looking to steal a win on the road. Actually, they look to steal all kinds of stuff. Thieving, criminal bastards. FALCONS 27-17.

Jacksonville at Kansas City(-4.5) – The Jags are more schizophrenic than a bi-polar teen on LSD. One week they look like they can beat anyone, and then the next week, they look like Notre Dame might even give them a tough game. Speaking of Notre Dame, I wonder if priests grope more unsuspecting altar boys on days following a Fighting Irish loss, or if they just don’t have the same desire. CHIEFS 20-10.

Ouch

Philadelphia at Tennessee(-3) – Desean Jackson was knocked so woozy, he almost looked like Kerry Collins on a bender. Come to think of it, even when he’s not on a bender, Collins has that mouth-breathing thing down pretty well. TITANS 24-17.

Duh!

Washington at Chicago(-3) – I really don’t know what to make of this game. The Skins D is pretty tough and the Bears offensive line is weaker than Stephen Hawking’s bicep. And they don’t even get to have a cool computerized voice. Why do I get the impression Cutler would send Hawking’s buggy flying down a staircase given the chance? And yes, I know I’m warped. Upset special! REDSKINS 27-20.

Cleveland at New Orleans(-13) – Welcome to the NFL Colt McCoy. You ain’t in Texas anymore. The first giveaway was that you don’t have Mack Brown’s shrill drawl chattering in your ear. Instead, you have Man-genius giving tips. I bet he still dreams of the Jets. SAINTS 42-14.

I'll be lucky to last 5 more

Buffalo at Baltimore(-13) – Marshawn Lynch probably feels like the luckiest man on the face of the earth, and he doesn’t even need to have a disease named after him to feel that way. He just needed to get the hell out of Buffalo. He’s the envy of trapped Buffaloans everywhere. Actually, those just in Buffalo – hence, why they are pissed. RAVENS 27-20(Bills cover)

San Francisco at Carolina (+3) – How bad are the Panthers? A team with one win is traveling across the country and is still a 3 point favorite. John Fox will be looking to get into a henhouse pretty soon. Or at least make like a Buffaloite and get the hell out of dodge, pronto. NINERS 24-13.

Get Me Out of Here!

St. Louis at Tampa Bay(-2.5) – I had a feeling that the Rams might be able to pull this one out until I looked and saw they are away. The Rams are about as harmful as a billy goat outside of Missouri. You can take it one step further and say they’ve become sacrificial lambs on the altar of the home teams. BUCS 21-17.

Arizona at Seattle(-5.5)  – Max Hall had a week of rest before tackling game 2 of his New Era. I think after this one, he’ll wish he had 3 weeks off. Can somebody West of the Mississippi tell me how this one turns out. I have better things to do, like watching toe fungus sprout slime. SEAHAWKS 24-17.

Yumm

New England at San Diego(-3)  – The Chargers will need this one to save their season. Ahh, who am I kidding? They play in the AFC West with a bunch of teams looking to self-destruct and fail. At any time, the entire division could go on a Bronco-like collapse and lose the rest of their games. Lights Out for the Chargers! Or is it just for Shawne Marriman? PATS 23-20.

Oakland at Denver(-6.5) – You want to know what I hate most about the NFL officiating? No, it isn’t that most of the guys are 65 and blind. It is that they don’t care if it is 4th and forever and a QB throws up a near Hail Mary – they will sometimes bail out a team with a call on the DB. Christmas came early for the Jets this year and Denver got a lump of coal. BRONCOS 30-20.

Minnesota at Green Bay(-2,5) – The Vikes get a win and now people are acting as if they will go all the way to the Super Bowl. I think they’ll beat GB, not because they are great, but because the Pack has more people in casts than an apartment complex on Broadway. Timing is everything. VIKINGS 28-24.

Giants at Cowboys(-3) -The Giants have a chance to put a big fork right in Jerry Jones back on National TV. But they won’t. I hate to say it, but the Cowboys will take this one and the media will have to buy shares in Kleenex just to wipe off the huge messes they’ll make fawning over America’s Team. The 1-4 America’s Team. COWBOYS 35-28.

BEST BETS:

SAINTS

CHIEFS

BUCS

Last Week:

Straight Up – 10-4

With Spread – 6-6-2

Best Bets – 2-0-1

Season:

Straight Up – 54-38 (.587)

With Spread – 38-46-6 (.452)

Best Bets – 9-7-2 ($130) (.563)

The Best Bets are on a roll. Let’s keep it that way. Add a pickle and some mayo, and make it a Best Bet Hoagie. Or grinder. Or sub. Maybe a torpedo. Now I’m just getting hungry. Remember:

Whatever you call it - EAT!

WHEN YOU WANT THE SKINNY ON PICKING, TURN TO THE FATMAN

FatMan’s Back! – Week 6

Hallelujah!

What a difference a week makes. Last week I was getting ready to mortgage my house, sell my kids into the black market, and get protective knee guards so baseball bats wouldn’t break any bones. After a relaxing weekend away, I’m recharged and almost back to black! Who thought going to Philly could calm someone? I went up to the Philly area for a wedding and stayed in what sounds like a Celtic enclave of Bala Cynwyd. I now know that not only do Black Irish exist, but I know where they live. Well, enough of my travels, let’s take a trip around the league!

San Diego at St. Louis (+8.5) – Norv, Norv, Norv. Every year, the pock-marked leader starts out slow before rallying the troops. When will the turnaround start this year? Will it ever happen? St. Louis gets a lot of people healthy. At least those that aren’t murdered on the mean streets of the city. The Chargers will sip from the Fountain of Youth this week. CHARGERS 27-20 (Rams cover)

Kansas City at Houston (-4.5) – This is a tough one to call. The Texan passing defense has more holes than a freshly cut slice of swiss cheese. And their offensive line smelled like limburger last week. We know the Chefs can cook with a lot of things, but fondue is sort of a gay treat for grown men. TEXANS 27-20.

What a manly meal

Baltimore at New England(-3) – A lot of people are looking at this as a preview to a possible AFC Championship game. I’d take a stab at making a prediction on who will be left standing in the end, but Ray Lewis is more of an authority on that topic. Flip a coin and peek out of your hoodie to see which side came up. PATS 24-19.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay(+4.5) – The Defending Champs are looking like Chumps after falling at the hands of Max Hall. Max Hall! Max Hall might make Josh Freeman look like Dan Marino. Well, you know, a black Dan Marino with a lot better mobility. That was a really bad example. Max Hall! SAINTS 27-13.

Max Hall for President!

Atlanta at Philadelphia(-3) – Could last week have been better for Philly? The Phillies swept the Reds. The Eagles beat the Niners, and even the Flyers started out with a W. Now if a nuclear bomb was only dropped on Chester, things would have been perfect. FALCONS 21-17.

Detroit at Giants(-10) – The Lions have a 23 game road losing streak. By the law of averages, they are due to get a win. However using the Formula of Suckiness, it could be a while. Crappy Team + Terrible Drafts + A No-Name QB + Road ineptness = Loss 99.96% of the time. Don’t be foolish and take the .4%. It isn’t worth it. GIANTS 30-10.

It's as easy as 2+2

Seattle at Chicago(-7) – Todd Collins became the first QB to win a game after having at least 4 turnovers and passing for under 50 yards. But despite pulling his best Shaun King impression, the biggest factor in getting the win is that the Bears played the Panthers. The Seahawks practice squad could probably put up a better fight. BEARS 20-17(Seahawks cover)

Miami at Green Bay (-2.5) – The Packers resemble a MASH unit right now. Except for not having the cross-dressing lunatic nor somebody named Hot Lips. But you get my point. They are more banged up than Pam Anderson. In most languages, that translates into an “L”. Even in Cheese-ese. DOLPHINS 24-20.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh(-13.5) – The Browns may have gone into Pittsburgh and gotten a win last year, but there wasn’t a Homecoming effect that you see in 2010 with the return of the beloved Big Ben. Ben’s been working on his throws and his camera skills in the past 6 weeks. If Favre can do it, Ben can do it better. STEELERS 24-13 (Browns cover)

Jets at Denver(-3)  – I can’t figure out the Broncos. One week they look like world-beaters and the next week, they can’t even beat the egg they just laid. They do like playing in thin air, however. Which leads us to an interesting dilemma. When hot air mixes with thin air, will Rex Ryan explode? For the sake of environmentalists, I hope not.  Upset Special! BRONCOS 20-13.

Suck it Mark Mangini!

Oakland at San Francisco(-6.5)  – I wonder if the Italian Gang has been breathing in one too many Waste Management tubs. A winless team favored by a TD? Granted, it is the Raiders they are facing, but unlike Al Davis, they’ve showed signs of life. Eat a nice slice of capicola and hope the Pasta Munchers come to their senses. NINERS 23-20 (Raiders cover)

Dallas at Minnesota(-1.5) – The loser of this one will drop to 1-4. If it is the Cowboys, Jerry Jones face is going to bust open from being stretched too tightly. If it is the Vikes, Favre will only be able to take picks of flaccid junk and send it to former Playmates. Me – I’m just going to sit back and enjoy watching this one play out. And eagerly await the Favre-Timberlake Christmas duet of “Pic in a Box”. VIKINGS 28-24.

Put your ##@@ in the Box!

Indianapolis at Washington(+3) – The Skins are getting it done through smoke and mirrors. I’m just waiting for one to smash so they can get 7 more years of bad luck. Now that would make Jerry Jones happy! COLTS 28-20.

Ladies, hold me up!

Tennessee at Jacksonville(+3) – I can’t figure the Jags out. So that means I’ll take the Titans and spend Monday Night watching baseball. TITANS 20-10.

BEST BETS:

DOLPHINS

SEAHAWKS

COLTS

Last Week:

Straight Up – 7-7

With Spread – 8-6

Best Bets – 3-0

Season:

Straight Up – 44-34 (.564)

With Spread – 32-40-4 (.444)

Best Bets – 7-7-1 (-$70)

Back to .500 on Best Bets just goes to show that the season is a marathon and not a sprint. No need to Bolt out of the gate and stumble over my Johnson. I can take my time and make the finish a destination instead of tiring myself out. Look, I’m fat and lazy. Kill me for it. But remember:

WHEN YOU WANT THE SKINNY ON PICKING, TURN TO THE FATMAN